SpeechLock: New device developed to stop MPs from misleading Parliament (satire)

Last Updated: October 21, 2016By
Noxious: Former US President George Bush (Sr) falls foul of an early version of SpeechLock at a diplomatic dinner in Japan. Or was it the sushi?

Noxious: Former US President George Bush (Sr) falls foul of an early version of SpeechLock at a diplomatic dinner in Japan. Or was it the sushi?

A device has been developed to ensure that politicians stay honest – by hitting them in the face with a noxious spray that makes them vomit if they lie.

SpeechLock is a collar that fits around your MP’s neck. Using common lie detector technology it measures your representative’s heart rate and, if it begins to race as he or she prepares to tell a lie, administers the punishing potion.

The gadget is an offshoot of the bicycle anti-theft device SkunkLock, as described in the article below. Designers decided that detonating MPs’ genitals was not currently an option, but this may change if Theresa May goes ahead with her plan to repeal the Human Rights Act.

MPs are being fitted with SpeechLock on a rolling programme over the next few weeks.

Owing to his Parliamentary record, Jeremy Corbyn is exempt. Iain Duncan Smith’s is being fitted inside his mouth and will be triggered whenever he tries to speak.

A man approaches a bicycle, handheld electric saw at the ready. He powers it on, starts to drill, and is shot in the face with a noxious spray that makes him vomit uncontrollably. This is the dream of the inventors of SkunkLock.

“Basically we were fed up with thefts,” said Daniel Idzkowski from San Francisco one of the inventors of SkunkLock. “The real last straw was we had a friend park his very expensive electric bike outside a Whole Foods, and then went to have lunch and chat. We went out and his bike was gone.”

Idzkowski’s friend had used two locks, each $120, whose inability to stop a thief outraged him. “I blurted out, ‘why didn’t it blow his balls off?’”

Source: Bike lock developed that makes thieves immediately vomit | Life and style | The Guardian

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6 Comments

  1. Alan M Dransfield October 21, 2016 at 11:29 am - Reply

    They would still lie and cheat
    Much better to put a noose around their neck

  2. Rupert Mitchell (@rupert_rrl) October 21, 2016 at 11:41 am - Reply

    For God’s sake not “SPEECHLOCK” the whole country would drown in their vomit!

  3. Neilth October 21, 2016 at 12:31 pm - Reply

    Won’t work on some of them. No heart or no pulse.

  4. casalealex October 21, 2016 at 3:28 pm - Reply

    This is absolutely hilarious. This has made my day! So much doom and gloom around, we need a giggle sometimes x

  5. Dez October 21, 2016 at 6:32 pm - Reply

    They would need to move an A&E Satellite into Parliament permanently along with a jumbo Henry vomit sucker …no, not that Hunt … the electric vacs.

    • Mike Sivier October 22, 2016 at 2:21 am - Reply

      So it would make them appreciate the value of A&E departments too?
      This plan gets better all the time!

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