Once upon a time in Whitehall…
“Goodness!” said Priti Patel. “We haven’t had so many refugees since my parents came over from Uganda* and I thought we pulled up the ladder on that, years ago!
“We can’t have Johnny and Janey Foreigner just popping over to live here any time they please, even if they are fleeing potential persection and death in their own country like dear old Mummy and Daddy were. But I’ve cut our Border Force to the bone.
“Good thing I’ve got the answer to the problem!”
Her ejaculation aroused prime minister Boris Johnson. He called up from his sex dungeon: “What are you going to do, Priti?”
“Why, what any self-respecting British politician would do!” smiled Patel. “I’ll pay the French some money to stop immigrants from even launching their boats into the English Channel. It’ll give those mollusc-munchers something to do apart from going on strike all the time – dirty scrounging snail-suckers!
“Oh, and don’t call me pretty, you loathsome lardy lust-walrus.”
But it wasn’t that easy…
“What do you mean, no?” demanded the homely secretary of her French counterpart. “Don’t you know that 756 aliens landed in the UK on Monday alone? We’ve had more than 12,600 of the buggers so far this year!”
Her French counterpart, M. Darmanin, shrugged. “What do you want me to do about it? You’d be better-off talking to your American buddies. What are they called, again? Mulder and Scully?
“We’ve got 400 miles of coastline to monitor and only a limited number of police. You were going to give us £54m to strengthen that cover but we haven’t seen a single centime yet.”
“Nor will you, unless you intercept more of those bloody invaders- uh… refugees!”
“And how will that help? There has never been any question of making payment conditional on meeting numerical targets and if you don’t pay, you’ll be ensuring that you don’t get the help you want.” The gentleman’s logic was impeccable.
“Well then we’ll… we’ll turn back to France anybody we intercept in UK waters!”
“You can’t. International Maritime Law means you have to detain them and take them back to a UK port.”
“We bloody will, you know!”
“Then you are jeopardising our agreement. France will not accept any practice that breaks International Maritime Law. And what if the refugees jump into the sea to escape being turned back? What if they drown?”
“So what?” asked Patel, nonplussed.
“Well, that is a matter for your conscience I suppose.” And M. Darmanin walked away, singing, “I’m a little despot, short and stout…”
A dispassionate observer, commenting from a sofa in Mid Wales, said: “Illegal immigration – especially where it is carried out by people-smuggling gangs – is a serious problem and needs to be countered. But this is not the way.
“One would think the Tory government had learned its lesson when the Taliban ignored their attempt to impose a unilateral extension on the deadline to quit Afghanistan. Apparently not.
“The days of the Empire are long gone and Tories like Patel helped destroy the UK’s international reputation. They can’t just threaten to send a gunboat and expect their counterparts in other countries to follow their demands.
“And they’re not going to solve the refugee issue until they examine the reasons people are coming to the UK and start working to make it unnecessary for them to do so.
“But they’ll probably never even consider that as it might imply that they stop doing whatever they like, around the world, and start acting like responsible neighbours.”
*Yes: Priti Patel is the daughter of immigrants, but hypocritically can’t stand foreigners herself. She’s a shocking racist.
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