Brilliance from kittysjones:
Research has consistently shown that worryingly, reading tabloid newspapers such as the Sun, Express and Daily Mail causes contagious fatalism, addictive irritable incoherence syndrome, an anxiety-inducing pre-occupation with other people stealing tax-payers money and a highly suggestible state with rash moral panic. These symptoms usually precede the completely incapacitating open mouth of closed-mind syndrome, leading to premature, ejaculated brain death.
Sociologists have discovered that many tabloid addicts have nasty and brazen neighbours, usually from other countries, or with fake disabilities. Some poor and rightously outraged readers have lazy single mothers, suspect-looking students, suspected immigrants or daring unemployed scrounger types living right next door or just down the street. This is usually preceded by a malignant disdain.
Health officials carried out research over many years, which revealed that during the early stages of chronic tabloiditis, acute, screaming headlines bind to the victims’ brain dopamine receptors, releasing a surge of bile and some unidentifiable, free-floating bitter stuff. This has the unfortunate effect of oxidising the part of the brain ordinarily used to rationalise and the nubbin in the noggin that usually facilitates discernment. The deadly process also affects the vocal chords, leaving the poor patient with an over-developed sense of indignance, hatred and a hyperactive moral outrage. There is no cure.
The most alarming health surveys have revealed that the process involves rapid shrinkage and withering of the gland that regulates reality – the part that scientists call the “getagrippe.”