Another rotten week under the Tories. Let’s make fun of them
Tory UK, 2020: life is hard, and likely to get worse as the Tory jackboot grinds Covid-19 into our faces while claiming to be doing the exact opposite.
These creeps demand our absolute obedience or they will bring in the armed forces to crush us.
So let’s have a laugh at their expense, eh?
On Monday, @RussinCheshire tweeted his #TheWeekInTory, which is always a good read:
3. Nobody can tell us what the "alternative arrangements" are, but the IMB passed through parliament anyway
4. The UK’s highest-ranking law officer in Scotland resigned over the IMB
5. The UK’s special envoy on media freedom, Amal Clooney (yes, that one) quit over IMB
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
8. Joe Biden said there would be no UK/US Trade Deal if the IMB went ahead
9. Iain Duncan Smith said "we don’t need lectures" from Joe Biden
10. Trump’s special envoy to NI also said there would be no Trade Deal
11. Apparently, IDS does need lectures. Who knew?
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
15. Dominic Raab, whose job it is to understand the Good Friday Agreement, admitted he hasn’t read the Good Friday Agreement
16. His excuse is: "it’s not a novel". True. Novels tend to be longer than 35 pages, aren't vital to solving conflicts that killed 3600 people
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
19. It was revealed the Smart Freight System to handle post-Brexit trade won’t be ready until at least April 2021.
20. That’s at least 4 months without a freight handling system, during the time of year we rely on food imports the most
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
23. So the govt closed a Covid test site in Kent, to convert it into a lorry park, in what experts (well, me) are calling "the world’s shittest game of whack-a-mole"
24. The govt said people would be fined £1000 if they don’t self-isolate after getting a positive test
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
28. And then the govt said the system was under strain cos people were asking for tests when they didn’t know they were infected
29. So [deep breath] you must self-isolate after getting a test that doesn’t exist, and you can only get a test if you already know the result
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
32. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who simply cannot shut up about fish, said we should stop the "endless carping" about not being tested for a fatal infection
33. Boris Johnson went on national TV and announced a "£100bn moonshot" approach to Covid, which would test "10m people per day"
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
36. Officials branded the moonshot as "Moonfuck"
37. And then Matt Hancock had to ask other cabinet ministers to stop referring to him as "Matt WankCock"
38. Despite appearances, these are not 7 year old boys
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
41. Boris Johnson said we cannot put punitive restrictions on food imports from the EU (to force them to give up on Ireland), or we will starve
42. And then, minutes later, he agreed with a Brexiter MP who said we SHOULD put punitive restrictions on food imports from the EU
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
44. Planning-ahead news: an international conglomerate pulled out of a £16bn power project because the govt hasn’t performed its part of the deal for the last 20 months
45. Funding cuts since 2010 meant the govt had to inject £700m to prevent further education going bankrupt
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
47. And then the govt said files on Grenfell were "lost forever", after a laptop was wiped. Cos everything is always stored on a single laptop. We all know this.
48. The govt runs G-Cloud, its own dedicated cloud backup service, which has been active since 2012. So… yeah.
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
51. Dido Harding said "nobody could predict" a rise in demand for testing
52. Govt scientists predicted it, and in a July report sent to Dido Harding – maybe it was a different one? – said "July and Aug must be a period of intense preparation for a Sept resurgence in Covid"
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
55. She is now in charge of the test-and-trace service which has collapsed completely
56. So naturally, it was reported the govt wants to sack the head of NHS England and install Dido Harding instead. Let's make the most of that successful record, eh?
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
60. So the govt closed pubs at 10pm, cos it’s well-known viruses only pop out for last orders.
61. Matt Hancock said the govt "threw a protective ring around care homes"
62. A leaked document said care homes are now being asked to accept patients who are known to have Covid
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
65. As Covid infections surged, Matt Hancock said restrictions are increasing, and pointed to a chart showing the govt has "moved to alert level 3". Level 3 is "a gradual relaxing of restrictions". Not only can't he remember his own alert system, he can't even read it.
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
67. In June the govt spent £500m on a GPS satellite system to replace the one we lose due to Brexit
68. In July it was reported "we bought the wrong satellites"
69. This week the govt cancelled the programme and began asking the EU if we can keep on using their GPS system
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
72. She is one of the favourites to replace Johnson
73. This is because it was reported the PM is thinking of quitting because he’s worried about his personal finances: the poor man has to "pay tax", "buy his own food" and "support 4 of his 6 children". Oh, the humanity!
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
75. And finally, because he always needs a guest appearance, Chris Grayling, the man who awarded a ferry contract to a company with no ships, has got a £100k appointment to advise ports pic.twitter.com/p9ofWDykdP
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) September 21, 2020
On Monday, Chris Whitty and Sir Patrick Vallance, the UK’s chief medical officer and chief scientific adviser, appeared on TV to explain why Covid-19 is running rampant through the UK despite everything we’ve been told to do to stop it. No member of the Johnson government was there…
On Tuesday, Boris Johnson announced his new Covid-19 related restrictions, which won’t actually halt the spread of the virus but at least make it seem he’s doing something, if you’re a brain-dead Tory sycophant.
Many of us aren’t. The image at the top is on response. Here are a few more:
Alternatively…
Wednesday was the day of Kexit – when it was announced that the UK would have an internal border after all – between the rest of us and Kent:
The UK’s new border: and the Tories can’t say it’s being imposed on us by anybody but them.
I spent far too long on this. One for @MartinRowson's #DrawBorisJohnson challenge #kent #Kexit #PassportToKent pic.twitter.com/bS0so9aVGj
— Marcus Houlden (@mhoulden) September 23, 2020
An ‘internal border’ will be created in Kent to stop post-Brexit lorry chaos – 17 favourite responses #kexit (pic by @mikeholden42)https://t.co/KrfcbKk2k3 pic.twitter.com/Q02c5CN0Lu
— The Poke (@ThePoke) September 23, 2020
https://twitter.com/SebStJohn1/status/1308819779327852546
The end of the week got a bit serious, with the launch of the NHS Covid-19 contact tracing app that doesn’t like NHS Covid-19 tests and won’t do any contact tracing.
Then again, after telling us he hadn’t been to Italy – and telling the nation we all have to batten down the hatches and put up with another six months (at least) of Covid misery – now with added job losses and poverty – we find that Boris Johnson’s significant other, Carrie Symonds, was photographed on holibobs in Italy after all. All right for some, eh?
In the week Boris told battered Britain it was in for another six months of Covid winter misery, Carrie Symonds enjoys five-star Italian holiday https://t.co/wZg9eQWPPB pic.twitter.com/9Xjvnhh5mw
— Mail+ (@DailyMailUK) September 24, 2020
Makes you wonder about BoJob’s Russian connections who live there, doesn’t it?
If you have any more fun stuff from the week, feel free to send it via the comments.
We need all the smiles we can get.
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What a fantastic article, well presemted and informative – just as good journalism should be.
Well done to Russ with his research and summary.
I was particularly tickled by the cheeky “stool sample” suggestion which I of course have passed on repeatedly…..
Have you taken some medicine for that?