The human butterbean, the tribunal magnet and the emotional support turbot
Facepalm: “futile, complacent, glistening human butterbean” David Cameron reckons gay marriage is his most successful policy. It was a Liberal Democrat policy forced on him by the Coalition agreement.
I thought Russ Jones had stopped doing The Week In Tory (TWIT). What a mistake to make!
Here’s the latest instalment, for those of you who don’t see it regularly, thought it had stopped, or never knew about it in the first place. And believe me, this is one of the only ways living in the UK under the Tories is going to make you laugh:
1. Remember that time, ages ago, when Boris Johnson was found to be a liar, ditched by his party in a 354 to 7 vote, humiliated in front of the entire world, and literally barred from Westminster?
2. No reason for mentioning that: it just alleviates the doomscrolling
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
5. By taking the Daily Mail gig, the half-Yeti, half-tribunal-magnet was immediately found to be in “clear breach” of ministerial rules, just 24 hours after he’d been forced to quit as an MP for breaking the rules of his previous job
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
9. Johnson, an ethical black hole barrelling across the political universe in search of acquisitive havoc, gave a life peerage to Charlotte Owen, a 29-year-old blonde, widely rumoured to either be his secret daughter or his secret lover
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
12. People who actually worked in Osborne’s constituency office said this isn’t the case – she'd never been there
13. After the revelations, Charlotte Owen’s spokesman – how many 29-year-old interns get a spokesman? – her spokesman said he “no longer speaks for her”
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
16. Meanwhile a whistleblower from No 10 said because Johnson refused to wear a mask, his staff were told there was “no point” them wearing masks either
17. As a result they were “ill all the time”, preventing No 10 from operating properly during the pandemic
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
20. Johnson’s emotional support turbot, Michael Gove, said the parties were “terrible” and “indefensible”, which must be why he immediately rushed out to [checks notes] abstain on the vote suspending Johnson from parliament
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
23. The only cabinet member to attend the Partygate debate was Penny Mordaunt, a sign-spinner outside Poundland on Battlestar Galactica, whose job meant she wasn’t allowed to stay away
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
26. Off to the Covid Inquiry, where the govt refused to hand over Johnson’s notebooks, citing “security concerns”
27. But Johnson’s spokesman said the govt “is in the process of returning the notebooks to him, so they can’t be very concerned about their contents”
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
30. A top official at the Cabinet Office gave evidence that during Covid, the nation's need for PPE, the collapse of the UK economy, and financial support for businesses and citizens had “not been considered in any meaningful way”
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
33. Meanwhile a report found half a trillion of underinvestment by govt in the last decade has “left Britain’s economy trapped in a doom loop”
34. So Cameron changed the subject, and said Gay Marriage legislation was his proudest achievement
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
37. Steve Barclay, a man so lacking in personality that he failed his Myers-Briggs test, was reported to have delayed the vaccine programme because he wondered if it was “good value for money” to save the lives of you and your family
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
40. To celebrate the 75th anniversary of Windrush, the govt disbanded the unit tasked with Home Office reform after the Windrush scandal
41. Immediately following that scandal, the Tories promised 30 key reforms
42. Only 8 of them have been implemented
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
46. Despite record asylum claim backlogs, Braverman – aka Heinrich Hamster – told her staff to stop making asylum decisions so they could retrain to implement a new policy wheeze she's dreamed up, which isn’t even legal yet, and experts say may never be legal
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
49. And an independent, cross-party House of Commons report said the govt’s “stop small boats” policy is “harmful, impractical and costly”
50. So obviously, the Home Office also admitted the policy might not stop small boats. Hey, at least they're consistent.
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
54. And the govt's deliberate policy means we still can’t process their applications
55. Even hardcore anti-immigration Brexiteer backbench dementor Richard Drax (full name: Richard Grosvenor Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax) called the costs “alarmingly high”
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
57. Economics news: and 13 years into their plan to cut state debt, our state debt has risen from 64% of GDP in Labour's last year in office, to 100% of GDP today
58. As wages shrink, Helen Whately promised the govt would abide by the findings of pay review bodies
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
61. Due to the ongoing Conservative Economic Miracle™, we also have the worst inflation in Europe
62. And the highest interest rates in Europe
63. And the highest Covid mortalities in Europe
64. And the lowest number of doctors per capita in Europe
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
67. So Jeremy C/Hunt rushed into inaction, forcing the banks to agree a “grace period” for people unable to pay their mortgages, which is something the banks already do, and have done for years
68. The Mortgage Broker’s Association called it “water pistol to put out a fire”
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
71. And in Sept, yet more Brexit import checks will be added, which will push food prices higher still
72. So the Tories began charging reporters £125 each to merely attend the Conservative Party conference, seemingly in the hope nobody would turn up with a mic and questions
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
74. John Redwood, a congenitally wrong Vulcan dolt (and “the nastiest man in politics” according to the woman who married him), told Question Time he’d never suggested we’d get a free trade deal with the USA
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
77. Bob Stewart, already facing criminal charges over an alleged “racially aggravated incident”, was found to have hidden his directorship of an Azerbaijani defence company, while he was a sitting member of the HoC defence committee
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
80. And Daniel Korski, the Tory candidate for London mayor, was accused of sexually assaulting a TV producer
81. Sunak said NHS waiting lists are coming down, and then 83 seconds later in the same interview, Sunak said NHS waiting lists are not coming down
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
On Thursday my 5⭐️ first book, The Decade In Tory, is released on audiobook (see Amazon etc)
And the sequel is currently being prepped by lawyers, but you can order it here, if you’re looking for something heavy and flammable to hurl from the barricadeshttps://t.co/eUCfo3Lbin
— Russ Jones (@RussInCheshire) June 27, 2023
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