Ladies and gentlemen, if you haven’t seen his work before, may we present the genius of Richard Hutton:

Dear Sirs,

I write to register my personal affront at the tone of your newspaper’s coverage on matters of Ukip-related importance. It has become an insult to a once serious publication.

Ukip have a Member of Parliament – one MP, no less, out of 650. The balance of power now lies with us. Ukip is the peoples’ army – there is no greater sight in British politics than Mr Farage’s Privates arrayed in full view of the electorate. What is more, at Ukip, we recruit for attitude; not ability. Our hiring policy is based on a very strict criteria: namely, glancing at a photograph of the potential candidate. We want a political contender that we can look at and think ‘He can hold his own’ – whether this be a talking point; or a golf club.

Yet so far, there has been little but effrontery shown by the Guardian. The querulous air of impertinence has been tangible throughout. Quite contrary to much insinuation, it is obvious what the source of Ukip’s triumph is; and why the party are currently ascending the polls, like soaring vultures of aspiration. Nigel Farage is a true folk-hero – a self-made man. A national saviour, the country’s future is safe in Farage’s muscular hands. Here is a man, who entirely due to his own efforts – and the connections the circumstances of birth granted – has risen to the very summit of our society as Britain’s most successfully unelected non-member of Parliament. One of the most influential Parliaments in the country, at that.

Repackaging the common wisdom of the Golf club for the benefit of the long-suffering taxpayer, Farage’s voice is unique; and resonates powerfully among a British public which has long since tired of those who refuse to base their views on anecdote. To this effect, Farage’s mastery of hearsay has no equal. His tactical predictability is without peer. Of all political leaders, only Farage has the sheer strength of personality – and the necessary force of character ­– to identify a new problem, and deliver a new solution, every week. Able to second-guess the thoughts of the common-man on complex subjects the very second they arise – usually in between picking-up a newspaper and putting it back down again – his steady application of commonsense to such issues as inter-governmental trade arrangements, short-skirts, and the price of a pint, is an inspiration to all.

I have no doubt leftists will gainsay at this point, and suggest that endless media attention is the whole explanation behind the phenomenon that is Farage; but they merely demonstrate their own lack of patriotism thereby. By contrast, self-made, right-thinking people will look up at Farage as he and his Privates parade to and fro; and think “I would elect this man as vice-chairman of the golf club – so why not Prime Minister of Britain as well?”.

The Guardian would do well to recognise this appropriately.

yours sincerely

Reginald Horace; UKip (Colonel; Humberside Branch).

Follow me on Twitter: @MidWalesMike

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