George Osborne is winging his way to Australia to join the campmates in I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! – in a bid to restore his popularity after the mauling he has received over his Autumn Statement.
In a canny move, the Chancellor realised that he was far more likely to get his message to the masses by appealing to the show’s average of eight million viewers than in slanging matches on national news programmes.
Also, Ant and Dec are far closer to his intellectual level than the likes of John Humphries.
Mr Osborne reckoned he could justify an appearance on the outback endurance test, as former MP Edwina Currie has been a huge hit on the show, trending worldwide on Twitter several times. Osborne’s only appearances in Twitter trends are currently restricted to #CameronMustGo tweets.
And criticism of a serving MP appearing on the show could be curbed with reference to Nadine Dorries’ turn, a couple of years ago.
However, it is believed that Mr Osborne is planning to bring market forces to the jungle, with a plan to turn leaves into legal tender. He intends to stock up with British evergreen varieties, claiming they are a higher denomination than local Australian foliage, and then buy up everything of value in the camp. He would then ration these out to the other campmates according to the value he attaches to any services they provide for him. This – according to Mr Osborne – will be a “fairer” system for everyone.
He said he got the idea from the late Douglas Adams and, in order to avoid inflation owing to the high level of leaf availability, the first thing he would ask the other campmates to do is embark on an extensive defoliation campaign using wood from the camp fire and – you guessed it – burn down the jungle.
Unfortunately it seems that – like all Conservatives – Mr Osborne is behind the times. As his plane took off yesterday evening, the 2014 series of I’m A Celebrity came to a joyous finale with Carl Fogarty named as the new King of the Jungle.
He will arrive to find the camp empty, the cameras gone, the fire out.
In fact, the scene will be much the same as the one he’ll face in Conservative Central HQ after next year’s general election.
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